Wednesday, April 26, 2006

The Diagnosis

As I reported earlier, we have been working for the last few months to get a diagnosis for the troubling behaviors of my five year old son. We got the news on Monday that it is as I suspected (and wished was not true) that it is a combination of ADHD and cyclothymia (a form of bipolar that in adults is "mild", and in children is considered a precursor to full-blown Bi-Polar disorder). I have spent a lot of time being really pissed off at the universe about this, despite being reassured that there is good news here, early diagnosis, smart kid, effective meds, etc. All true, but ......People, I have to say it...THIS SUCKS.

It sucks on so many levels I don't know where to start. It sucks because he's so little and has no friends. It sucks because in all likelihood his issues will become more extreme and there are few teachers/adults/friends with the patience to deal with him. It sucks because I am so freaking tired and even I cannot deal with him much of the time. It sucks because I already have struggled with wearing the Brave Mom Fighting for my Special Kid role with my oldest for years now, (he has a form of autism), and I am tired. It sucks because I am tired of labels, I am tired of meetings, I am tired of appointments, tests, committees, pills, bills, confrontations, humiliations, frustrations, putting a "positive spin of things", "looking at the bright side" or "hanging tough".

It sucks because it is costly. It sucks because the meds are tricky, can have side effects, can be expensive, can even send him into psychosis. His brothers can barely tolerate him, his classmates are a bit scared of him, his teacher is fed up with him. It sucks because I love him with every cell in my body and half the time I cannot stand to be near him! He radiates such an unnaturally high speed, frenetic, exhausting output of sound, energy and intensity, it feels like drowning. He is a blast furnace of thought and movement.

Let me be clear: I love this child fiercely. I know he is the same little boy he was last week, and I will always strive to be the best mother to him I can be. His diagnosis will never define him, and I will not think of him as limited in any way. I sense his potential. I just fear I have so little left to give him.

Today I am just feeling the pain of what we now truly know. There is work to be done.

I realize we have been given the gift of time, hope, and multiple other blessings, and to those wonderful friends who have reminded me of this, I thank you. Please do not let this virtual pity party convince you I am ungrateful for loving words.

Right now, however, I am celebrating an unapologetic angry funk.
I am feeling really, really pissed off at the newest cards dealt from the deck of life into our hands. My heart is more than a little bit broken, as is my spirit.

Give me a few days to rally and I am sure my poor sportsmanship with improve.
It has to.
As I said...there is work to be done.


Edna Throttlebottom said...

Remember, sweetie, that you are loved. Let that love feed you. Pig out on it. It can only do you good! (and it has no calories!) Dine from the smorgasboard of life. And call me any time. (PS, the verification word is "formgq." I'd like to see the kind of form that is featured in GQ. End transmission.)

Odilon said...


I'm listening.

Judi said...

if it wouldn't freak the neighbors or the kids out too much, going outside and screaming might just feel really good!

Kim said...

Nici - I know exactly what you're going through. My daughter Niki was started the Dx merry-go-round at age 4 (she's 17 now). The Dx of bipolar or anything even close to it wasn't an option at that time so she was simply given ADHD and sent on her way. It would be over the course of 10 years before we had the full understanding.

As for how you feel, I completely get it. My youngest is having problems now too and I love him but want him to be somewhere else the majority of the time. It's normal so please don't beat yourself up for feeling like this. It's an adjustment for the whole family. A dream has been yanked out from underneath you and you have to get your footing again.

You can get my email off the ArtellaVision Yahoo Group if you need to vent to someone who has been there.

Hugs and prayers,

Mommy said...

Hang in there, kiddo. Getting pissed is good energy to get you to the next levels on the emotional spectrum - don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Anger is a step UP from despair, not down.

denise said...

ahhh baby... you poor thang.. BE ANGRY.. you have every right.. much love and light to you and your family... you are an amazing momma.. and strong... may you see yourself thru this with REAL emotions... you are full of love.. there is no doubt about that

altermyworld said...

Be angry, cuz I fucking am angry for you. And for him.
I'm listening also.
It's all i can offer.
The work will come but for this very moment grieve what is lost.
And the work will come.

Tammy said...

Hugs are going out to you and your family! I know this is difficult - know that all positive thoughts are spinning their way to you from me!


"T" Van Hoecke said...

Nici, I have no words to soothe your heart. I understand, I have worked with mentally challenged adults and children and I know full well how difficult it can be.
Life can deal some tough challenges, but somehow we muster through. What choice do we have.
I hope that you will seek the help of community services. I believe there are programs that will come into the home to take charge for some spurts of time that you can take for yourself. Often Menatally challenged individuals have a special gift or tallent. If you can find out what makes your son tick, you will gain some relief, because you will have found something to keep his mind busy and make his soul happy.

I wish you tons of love to make it through.

Cellissimo said...

Aww.. {{Nici}} It's ok to be mad at the universe - this is a lot to deal with. I know you love your kids, but it's ok to be frustrated with them, too. It's ok to rant and whine and cry and question. I wish I could come over and help out, but all I have are words and comforting thoughts...

Kathy (aka Cellissimo)

Mim Smith Faro said...

Just wanted to offer a show of support for what you are going through. I love my kids too but certainly don't like being around my son when he's in a rage.


Jeanne Rhea said...

I came to your blog from Embellished Circus to comment on the necklaces--and I got caught up in reading about you and your sons. Even though it has been a year since you posted this entry, I still want to lend a shoulder, listen, and let you know I care. If ever you know of anything that I can do, let me know. Hugs,