As I reported earlier, we have been working for the last few months to get a diagnosis for the troubling behaviors of my five year old son. We got the news on Monday that it is as I suspected (and wished was not true) that it is a combination of ADHD and cyclothymia (a form of bipolar that in adults is "mild", and in children is considered a precursor to full-blown Bi-Polar disorder). I have spent a lot of time being really pissed off at the universe about this, despite being reassured that there is good news here, early diagnosis, smart kid, effective meds, etc. All true, but ......People, I have to say it...THIS SUCKS.
It sucks on so many levels I don't know where to start. It sucks because he's so little and has no friends. It sucks because in all likelihood his issues will become more extreme and there are few teachers/adults/friends with the patience to deal with him. It sucks because I am so freaking tired and even I cannot deal with him much of the time. It sucks because I already have struggled with wearing the Brave Mom Fighting for my Special Kid role with my oldest for years now, (he has a form of autism), and I am tired. It sucks because I am tired of labels, I am tired of meetings, I am tired of appointments, tests, committees, pills, bills, confrontations, humiliations, frustrations, putting a "positive spin of things", "looking at the bright side" or "hanging tough".
It sucks because it is costly. It sucks because the meds are tricky, can have side effects, can be expensive, can even send him into psychosis. His brothers can barely tolerate him, his classmates are a bit scared of him, his teacher is fed up with him. It sucks because I love him with every cell in my body and half the time I cannot stand to be near him! He radiates such an unnaturally high speed, frenetic, exhausting output of sound, energy and intensity, it feels like drowning. He is a blast furnace of thought and movement.
Let me be clear: I love this child fiercely. I know he is the same little boy he was last week, and I will always strive to be the best mother to him I can be. His diagnosis will never define him, and I will not think of him as limited in any way. I sense his potential. I just fear I have so little left to give him.
Today I am just feeling the pain of what we now truly know. There is work to be done.
I realize we have been given the gift of time, hope, and multiple other blessings, and to those wonderful friends who have reminded me of this, I thank you. Please do not let this virtual pity party convince you I am ungrateful for loving words.
Right now, however, I am celebrating an unapologetic angry funk.
I am feeling really, really pissed off at the newest cards dealt from the deck of life into our hands. My heart is more than a little bit broken, as is my spirit.
Give me a few days to rally and I am sure my poor sportsmanship with improve.
It has to.
As I said...there is work to be done.