Tuesday, April 11, 2006

What it means to be foolish...

Don't we all have our weaknesses? Certain indulgences, or people, or feelings best left unfelt? Envy, shame, regret, misplaced affection...
I wish I could explore these things artistically. Instead I tend to merely indulge them emotionally without trying to build something tangible from them. Truth is, I am terrified to let the chaos out on paper. Because perhaps, secretly, I enjoy my rage and my heartbreak, and wallow in it with a sort of bitter joy. As though this is what makes me alive.

I am trying to work up the courage to do more than just indulge my silly emotional binges, get braver and look them in the eye and maybe even try to wrestle them onto canvas. Why am I such a fuckwit about this?

Art does not always have to be cute or pretty; perhaps I am afraid if my art shows its uglier face, the pretty things I make will resonate as hollow, rather than sincere?

To pretend I am nothing but a basket of pretty feelings and precious, tender hearted sentiment is to believe in rubbish.

I ache and I seethe and I rage and I burn and I collapse and I break and I erupt and I wail.

Why is this warrior never seen or heard?
Why does she paint flowers?


Odilon said...


secretly, I enjoy my rage and my heartbreak, and wallow in it with a sort of bitter joy. As though this is what makes me alive.

That was me until recently (like about three weeks ago). I realized that it didn't make me more alive, though. Instead, it distracted me from living.

The ugly stuff is never fun but I think that it is worthwhile to take a long look at it, deconstruct it, and analyse it. If you know your enemy, he's easier to defeat or at least contain. And then you're that much closer to the victory parade. I'll bring the confetti.

One more thing in a long and rambling comment: the idea that pretty things are somehow less valuable than dark things is a completely socially constructed load of poop. Everything's got value and everything has its place. It'll only be less resonant if your heart's not in it.


georgeious said...

funny, i go to comment and see that zhen has picked out the EXACT SAME sentence that caught my eye. maybe i should just ditto her whole damn comment! teehee...

we should all find a way to enjoy our rage and heartbreak. i sure as hell enjoy mine! it comes out as sardonic wit so often, making it less possible for me to merely wallow, but giving me cause to share it with others in my own way. i guess i make it "something pretty" (in a sense, of sorts) so that i have a choice of what to do with it.

and she is so totally right. darkness isn't the only interesting thing out there. what makes thing more relevant or interesting, in my humble opinion, is finding the unexpected part of them and putting it to good use. am i saying the same thing? you're getting it, right?

we rock.

Edna Throttlebottom said...

Crap, I do visually what you do emotionally! People don't like to look at it: it's too confrontational, but damn is it cathartic! Paint the ugly then put it away. It makes focusing on the good stuff easier.

Love ya!